“My love life would totally improve if S/HE would just ______ (fill in the blank).” Listen to me? Show some emotion? Not complain about 24/7 sports on the tube? Stop leaving used dental floss on the coffee table?? Although I acknowledged I played a role in our imperfect relationship, I cannot tell you how many times I was quite certain that HE needed to change a few (thousand) things to fix it.
Then mindfulness meditation came along.
Just when I thought it was all HIS fault, I started learning how to connect with myself and discovered “the cause of my suffering.” In the process of mindful exploration, I became very aware how much I lacked self-love. Yup, cheesy but true. My lifelong habit of helping others AT THE EXPENSE OF MYSELF was affecting all areas of my life. I uncovered the anger I felt as I allowed others to drain my spirit. (Keeping a smile on my face while wanting to rip someone’s head off takes a LOT of energy.) That old adage about “charity starts at home” began to make more sense than ever and meditation gave me the freedom to let it happen. After all, the most important relationship is the one I have with myself.
As my awareness grew, I discovered the things I do that give me less stress and began to do MORE of those things. Feeling relaxed and cared for from the inside, I began to feel compassion and less judgment on the outside. And so it spilled over into my marriage.
I didn’t plan it that way. I just went to get lessons in meditation and, miraculously, by learning to take care of myself and relax, my marriage feels like an opportunity instead of a project to fix. Are things always hunky-dory? Not always, but most of the time and, if any conflicts do arise, I have my mindfulness tools to help me navigate those waters. What I know is that most days my husband’s dental floss on the coffee table seems like a funny habit I can laugh at now. Besides, why waste my time worrying? I am way too busy doing the things that give me energy and fill my soul!